Hetalian Rap Battles
by Rani-Girl
Summary: A series of rap battles between the Hetalian characters. First up, America and Canada. Currently, Romano and Italy; Germany and Russia.
1. America vs Canada

**Heh. I started watching Hetalia and then I started re-watching some old Epic Rap Battles of History. I wanted to try out a cross-over. Hetalia and the idea of rap battles clearly aren't mine. Also, I apologize in advance for Canada's character and any mess ups in historical references.**

* * *

_**America vs. Canada**_

**America:**

Who am I even fightin'?

I don't see anyone there

Oh! Matthew, are you hidin'?

Still holding that bear like it's your best friend

When it can't even remember who you are!

It's me, that's gonna win, in the end

'Cause I'm the freakin' hero

And you, my baby brother

Are a world class _zer-ro!_

I'm the United States

A super world power

You're a little late

I fought Britain for my freedom

You waited to ask politely

And still for years STAYED a part of his kingdom!

**Canada:**

I don't like to do this

Fighting's not in my blood

But if you don't shut up, your face will meet my fists!

I get so SICK of your constant hero fit

At least I've never had a civil war

Remember how the south just up and quit?

I remember Dixie

A sweet, young girl

Kicked your rear over and over with her tricksies

And how exactly am I the baby?

When in our last argument you cried for three hours

Repressed that, maybe?

I know you don't like to hear this spat

Which is exactly why I'm sayin' it

Alfred, you're a whiney, little, stuck-up brat

**America:**

HA! Is that all you got?

I had trouble hearing you

Speak up for once! You're a sorry little lot

Compared to me you don't even exist

I am not whiney brat!

You're much higher up than me on that list

"Oh, notice me, notice me!"

You hope all the time

I don't mean to be rude, but since my speech is free

I'll admit that while you have some pretty good come-backs

You don't have any real pals, just me to keep you company

The barest social skills, you so sorely lack

Growing up, Britain favored the better bro

He hardly ever noticed you

So run on home alone

**Canada:**

Sometimes I wonder how we're of relation

Britain only gave you more attention

Because a savage nation is a savage child's creation

We all know a well-behaved child

Is much more loved

Than a white indian gone wild

So what if I'm never noticed by the others?

My time will come

You'll be swept under the covers

Worrying more about your fat than your debt

China won't wait forever

Little brother, I'm afraid you let

Yourself fall while playing cowboys and astronauts - such a strange creature!

You're heading downhill to the point where you won't recover

Which is when I'll take my place as the new world leader

* * *

**Yeah, I figure even Canada has a snapping point. Hope you enjoyed.**


	2. Britain vs France

**This battle was requested, but I was going to do it next anyway. I'll take requests, but I'll be putting up my ideas first, so unless yours is really interesting, you might have to wait a chapter or two for it to show up. Don't worry, I'll bet I'll run out of ideas fast.**

* * *

_**Britain vs. France**_

**Britain:**

Oh joy, the frog is here

I'd much rather enjoy my tea

But if you'll lend me your ear

I'll blow you away

With every reason that the United Kingdom

Should make you very afraid

While I claim to be a gentleman and that I am

I expect you recall

My pirating days, where back to your

Shameless country, you had to be hauled

I haven't lost my skill

Throw me a gun, sword, or fencing match

So all the nations can have a thrill

Watching me kick your sorry arse

Just like I did with Joan of Arc

**France:**

I was expecting a challenge

Not a man who can't hold his liquor

How can you claim to physically beat me

When all we ever do is bicker?

I'll verbally abuse you -

Such a sad little island -

Like I always do

You needed my help just to get you started

Want to know how many of your citizens are actually French?

I can't even count

Now sit down over there on the bench

I'll teach you properly the ways of love

Passion is my specialty

However, I'm afraid, you small, weak dove

You might be too spiteful to be taught a thing

**Britain:**

How dare you, you spineless worm!

I was once a great empire!

Gladly watched you squirm

Genius prodigies

Often came from me

Elizabeth the First, Isaac Newton, Shakespeare -

All I've ever seen you do is drool at pretty boys and girls

You should see your own ridiculous leer

Take a shower

Perhaps they'll notice you

Face it, Francis, it's always been me with real power

You're all washed up

To anything more, you'll never amount

Long live the Queen!

For England is out

**France:**

Honhonhon! You make me laugh!

Yes, leave to your imaginary friends

The fairies and goblins are waiting - you're so _DAFT!_

_Sacredieu!_ There's a reason you lost all your charges

Starting with America!

You couldn't shoot, even though he wouldn't die, so you trudged back to your marshes

India kicked your pathetic can

It seems we all

Mistook you for a real man

All I gaze upon are talking eyebrows

Now it is time for lunch, but dining together, Arthur

I cannot allow,

So please excuse my language, Puck,

For I'd much prefer my perfect cuisine

Over your cauldron of muck

* * *

**Thanks to _Riane V, Kameya Karona, OtakuFledgeling, _and_ Hetalians_ for their reviews and thanks to _Riane V,_ _WolfyRocks, _and _The InevitableWriter_ for their favorites and follows! I really appreciate it.**


	3. Austria vs America

**Requests: Nordic 5, Germany and Russia, Romano and either Germany or Italy. I'm still watching the show and I need to look more into the countries' histories before I put these up. One of them (I haven't decided yet) will be up either tonight or tomorrw. The rest will be done within the next few days.**

**As for the one up now, I wanted to see if I could restore America's dignity. You decide.**

_**Austria Vs. America**_

**Austria:**

I have important work to do this evening, no time for stupid games

And I highly suggest that you do the same

Stop acting like your ten

Grow up for once

Keep eating like that, you'll be as fat as a hen

You have no culture

But I do harbor some respect for you

Unless you want to lose it, stop being such a vulture

Your hero games are silly

I'm surprised the other nations

Let you run around willy-nilly

I'm far too busy

As you can see for yourself

To play along

Go bother someone else

**America:**

Yo! What's the deal?

Scared I'll beat ya?

You're a has-been stuck in the past for real

Playing old, dead piano all night long

No wonder your wife left you

'Sides, about my behavior, you're wrong

I see more than you think

I know you're a fraud

So sit down for a drink

I wonder just how Germany would feel

Knowing he got framed for starting World War I

When it was you who cast the reel

I don't think he'll be very happy

Don't worry, though, I won't tell him

If you make my hamburgers snappy

**Austria:**

How pitiful and disgraceful to turn to blackmail

I refuse to participate in such childish antics

You're bound to fail

If this is how you treat others

My piano music is better expression

Than your Prussian impression

My marriage was purely political

We remain on well enough terms

Yet if we must be so critical

At least I've been with a real woman

Who have you been with? You're housekeeper?

Let me finish my paperwork, little boy

Get off my estate

Mess around with your Mexican toys

I'm supposed to be at a meeting for which I cannot be late

**America:**

Dude, take a joke

I don't do that sort of thing

What a hoax

You claim to be

A snobby, wealthy man

Everyone can see

Even without government spying

You're like an insecure lady

I've read your deleted tweets

Try to look cool but you can't beat the king

I'm the master of success that you'll never defeat

Childishness is only my surface tone

Land of the free, home of the brave

You can't understand what's beyond my friendly zone

Towards me, you better behave

**History Lesson: With the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, war was declared. Germany was Austria's ally. World War I broke out, they lost, Germany was the one who suffered the blame.**

**Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, favorited, or followed! I love knowing who you think won. As stated above, one of the current requests is next.**


	4. Romano vs North Italy

**Requests: Nordic 5, Germany and Russia, Prussia vs anyone/Hungary, Germany vs. Italy. Romano vs Italy is officially off my list.**

_**QUICK NOTE:**_** Unlike Canada, I can't see Italy having a snapping point.**

* * *

_**Romano vs. North Italy**_

**Romano:**

You idiot!

Why do you hang out with that potato bastard?

Trying to compensate for your weakness?

I'm the master!

I got a mafia

All you got is your

Glorious, wonderful _pasta!_

I'm your big brother

You're a loser

That means I always win

Pathetic German schmoozer

You lack any sort of brain!

Look at me!

It's driving me INSANE!

Leave him for me already!

**North Italy:**

_Fratello!_

Why are you being so mean?

Please be more mellow

It scares me very much!

Like time I came back from my trip with Grandpa Rome

My neck, you clutch!

I just want us to get along like we used to!

Let's eat together lotsa and lotsa

Plates of

Tomato sauce and pasta!

That will help

AAAHH!

That hurts, I yelp!

Allow me to draw you a picture or pick one from my cart

Since you have no talent for art

**Romano:**

Don't throw Grandpa Rome in my face!

I should be his heir

You are a disgrace!

Next to me

I might not draw

As well as you do

But I'm older, so I make the law

Around here!

You will be with me

All throughout the year

No more dumb Germans!

Except at world meetings

You will say no words

Except to exchange courteous greetings

So we don't get into a war with that scary man

**North Italy:**

But Germany is my friend, brother!

I'm always around him

He reminds me of our frightening mother

Ve? We always fight

You pick on me a lot

Germany bought me this really cool kite!

Don't worry, though, big bro

I won't leave you!

Even if you can be really slow

In the head, like me, according to Germany

We can all hang out together!

We'll be the three best-est

Friends forever and ever!

Hey, there's your mafia boss - brother, why are you screaming?

Brother, why are his ears steaming?

* * *

**Just because I think is a bit lame, I'm posting a second one today. Sorry for yesterday's delay.**


	5. Russia vs Germany

**Requests: Nordic 5, Germany and Russia, Prussia vs anyone/Hungary, Germany vs. Italy. **_**Romano vs Italy and Russia vs Germany are officially off my list.**_

_**QUICK NOTE: **_**This request has mentions of the Holocaust, murder of the Russian royal family, and more. As such, it's not very funny in my opinion.**

* * *

_**Russia vs. Germany**_

**Russia:**

Hello there, little Nazi boy

Ready to become one with Russia?

I'll let you play with my Baltic toys

See them shake and quiver?

Do not refuse my offer

Or you will find yourself at the bottom of the river

Bring your little friend along as well

I'll treat him right

His list of mafia bosses is impressive, you can tell

I only want what is best

Just be loyal, is all I ask

Unless you want bullets in your chest

We have much to offer here up north

Such as oil and natural gas

There is no reason not to come forth

**Germany:**

You appear to have lost your mind!

Do not bring up my country's past

Yours, too, is not so kind

Bloody wars, civil battles, the end of the tsar!

How did it feel to shoot young woman and children?

Not only that, but of German blood - such a scar!

I will not be in a river, _nein_

I flat out don't accept

You will not take what is mine

If you try

I will kick you right back

To the Allies

Don't you have sunflowers to sulk over

Not having at all? How weak

Step aside, Rover

**Russia:**

I see

I did not believe it would be so easy

You, I pity

I killed no child

Younger than hardly 14

On the other hand, you fired

On millions, thousands of them young

Little Jewish boys and girls

No chance at life

A huge debt at you, France then hurls

You are the one weak

And weaker still, you block

With that oblivious, meek

Boot of Italy

I will leave you to your coockoo clocks

**Germany:**

I will tear you down like the Berlin Wall!

Only I may point out Italy's flaws

Ivan, stand tall

This is not a war declaration

Just a hand to hand situation

Between two nations

Coward!

You bully and boss around worse than I!

At least I can keep control without

Seriously harming my

Charges in my house

My country stays stable and free

No uproars seemingly every day

Over things from war to liberty

Or not enough _vodka_ to go around!


End file.
